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When Holidays Attack and Good Times turn Bad
• Jess Wynne

SHEEP NEED NOT APPLY.

Are you adventurous, unorthodox and individualistic? Bored with following the herd to Ibiza, Majorca and all those other soft, woolly, fluffy, holiday locations? Living on the edge? Why not let Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Go Ltd push you over for the vacation of a lifetime. Possibly the last holiday you will ever need to take! Our agents have personally trawled the news reports, spoken to embassy officials and travelled far and wide to local libraries to find destinations tailor-suited to the wild, the original, the potentially suicidal – people just like you!

Insurance companies advise that good times turn bad in an alarming variety of ways: the all too frequent tragedy of the swimming pool-related ear infection, the trauma of walking into villa windows, the agony and embarrassment of sunburn. But what do all these catastrophes have in common? That’s right – banal commonness. You’re yawning already. And if you are afflicted with Dull Holiday Incident Syndrome (D.H.I.S) what’s your course of action? Bore the other members of your holiday entourage senseless, complain relentlessly to your rep. Soon people avoid you, even your cat leaves home, your claims for compensation and emails to Watchdog are ignored. You feel stupid; you have no one to show your holiday snaps to.

But if you incur scooter burn escaping from guerrilla terrorists after inadvertently becoming involved in a local drug war, which leads to the kidnap of your family and the bombing of your hotel…Definitely something to write home about. Particularly to your lawyer. And when, after many years, political negotiations allow you to return home, think of the potential for anecdote-laden stories that will impress and delight your friends. Become a hit at dinner parties! And it will look great on your C.V. Plus none of that ‘last day of holiday, returning to reality’ gloom; you will be overcome with joy and relief when you finally reach home. If you do.

‘I lost all my cash, traveller’s cheques, keys, personal documents, jewellery and antique family heirlooms when I was viciously mugged in Athens.’ ( Mrs O. Verfilled-Handbag, Essex).

That’s great. In fact Greece has a fairly bad reputation for theft-related crimes – generally in tourist areas and some districts of Athens. But mugging is so last season. Why not fly with us to Columbia where violent death is the most common way to go for those over ten years old? Another attraction is that no where in the world has such a high potential for experiencing abduction. We are sure you will love the splendours of this exotic South American location – which is lucky as in all likelihood you will never leave! There is no better way to explore the customs and culture of a foreign land.

(Hot Holiday Tip! If you enjoy indulging in recreational drug-use, Columbia is the perfect destination for you. Don’t forget to try out the local varieties – just talk to obvious drug barons, easily recognisable by dodgy moustaches and an abundance of gold jewellery, for advice on where to score and, if you are feeling really reckless, how to get involved in dangerous drug cartels).

‘I love to experience action packed holidays. But my wife and daughters always insist on sunbathing, swimming and generally relaxing. It’s all so tedious. Where can I go for a family holiday that will allow me to get my own way and ignore the pleas of my spouse and children.’ (A. Bastard, Surrey).

Have you considered hazardous Arab countries? We do a fantastic holiday to beautiful Algeria where you could lose your female companions in a matter of minutes – particularly if you forget to remind them to dress so as to not expose any flesh. Or perhaps you would prefer Yemen where tourists are popular targets for kidnapping; that should keep your family alert and on their toes. If they object or if you want a safer option, try Morocco or Tunisia. If you have a greater need for camels than for your relatives, head to the nearest market.

‘I find the current gun laws in England far too restrictive. Where do you suggest I should travel to so that I can indulge in my favourite hobby of shooting – obviously I would prefer live targets.’ (Mr D. Mented, Knowle West, Bristol).

Ever considered Chechnya? Our all inclusive holiday package drops you right in the centre of guerrilla warfare. (Arsenal of weapons not included.) Fancy travelling further afield? From the Sudan to the Congo we can find a destination that you will love. We will provide flights, accommodation, and an itinerary uniquely suited to the perils of your chosen country. The only thing we won’t provide is insurance. Obviously.

You’ve tried extreme sports, extreme cola products, extremely stressful careers, so why not try our supremely dangerous holidays? Stare death in the face and that work deadline will never seem so deadly again.

Please phone, write or email to receive our brochure giving details of packages which have all been usefully graded from ‘Fairly Alarming’ to ‘Certain Death’. We just can’t wait to send you on a holiday to end all holidays!

Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Go Ltd.
(A subsidiary of Tomas Clook Travel Agents.)

©Jess Wynne

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