Doom: The Voice Of Reason
• Victor Von Doom

“My dear people, the once great island nation of Britain is rapidly approaching a time of crisis. Although no less important, I speak not of the possibility of war or crippling shortages, or even the mammoth outbreak of foot and mouth disease that has so badly affected the country for some months now, but rather refer to the disastrous prospect of the impending general election. Consider the options that now face the voting public. To vote Labour is to re-instate a largely ineffectual administration, led by an Americanising clown, that relies heavily upon media spin rather than firm policies and attempts to dupe the average man into believing in the promise of reforms set to happen in ten years time. On the other hand one could vote for the Conservatives, but a Tory victory would result in the election of a Prime Minister who, in opposition, has already been undermined on key issues such as race, by members of his own party. Even the Liberal Democrats, the traditional recourse of the British tactical voter, is no longer a safe bet. As more people turn to them out of disillusionment with the other ‘big two’, there is an increasing risk that the fate of the country could be placed in the hands of a party with no governing experience whatsoever. So what do people do in times of crisis such as these? They look for leadership. They look for a saviour. They look for a hero. Some of them quite literally, with an increasing percentage of the electorate calling for Captain Britain to stand for PM.

The claim is that, as one of the so-called ‘super-heroes’ of the world, Captain Britain has powers and knowledge beyond those of the average man that would make him more suitable to lead the country than any of the present party leaders. Unfortunately, it would be laughable if it wasn’t so intriguing. Captain Britain may be a symbol of his nation and the Sceptred Isle’s chosen, and rightful, protector, but he is no leader of men. He is brash, quick tempered and prone to violence and depression in equal measure. He has also, for most of his life lacked a sense of purpose and has consequently been subject to personal whims, often abandoning comrades, even his country, in times of heightened emotional stress. In addition, it must be stated that, never having served in the armed forces, he has not earned the rank of captain, and his powers are merely physical; augmenting his strength and allowing him to fly. He has no experience of working in politics, and despite having an intense scientific background, is ill suited to solving the problems of a nation which is gradually experiencing the collapse of the ‘welfare state’ ideal. He is also an intensely moral man, and is therefore unlikely to be elected on almost all accounts, even if he could be convinced to stand.

The claim is that, as one of the so-called ‘super-heroes’ of the world, Captain Britain has powers and knowledge beyond those of the average man that would make him more suitable to lead the country than any of the present party leaders. Unfortunately, it would be laughable if it wasn’t so intriguing. Captain Britain may be a symbol of his nation and the Sceptred Isle’s chosen, and rightful, protector, but he is no leader of men. He is brash, quick tempered and prone to violence and depression in equal measure. He has also, for most of his life lacked a sense of purpose and has consequently been subject to personal whims, often abandoning comrades, even his country, in times of heightened emotional stress. In addition, it must be stated that, never having served in the armed forces, he has not earned the rank of captain, and his powers are merely physical; augmenting his strength and allowing him to fly. He has no experience of working in politics, and despite having an intense scientific background, is ill suited to solving the problems of a nation which is gradually experiencing the collapse of the ‘welfare state’ ideal. He is also an intensely moral man, and is therefore unlikely to be elected on almost all accounts, even if he could be convinced to stand.

‘But if not him, why not others?’ Well, to put it simply, there are no others. Not in Britain, at least not on the level of the ‘good captain’. He is a super-human symbol, an exemplar trying to be better than he is, to prove that it can be done, whereas the others, like Union Jack; the ‘hero’, not the flag, are merely soldiers. While they might prove to be interesting Home Secretaries, they would not, could not, make effective Prime Ministers.

But, for the sake of argument, let us remove the issue of nationality from the equation. Who, out of all the world’s heroes should be the Prime Minister of Britain?

Captain America, perhaps? Not as contrary a suggestion as it might first appear. This man is also a symbol; of liberty, truth and justice, and though idealistic, he is more worldly than Captain Britain, having earned his rank in World War II. He is also a lot more recognisable and respected and has a fair understanding of how politics works, at least in his home country. However, having turned down the presidency of the United States of America on the grounds that the office would clash with the ideals that he represents in the eyes of the world, it is unlikely that he would stand in a British election.

If not a symbol, be it of the UK itself or of international values, then what about one of the famed ‘hero-geniuses’? Surely, the ‘fantastic’, not to mention elasticated Mr. Fantastic, otherwise known as Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four, could ‘stretch’ his brain to help benefit Britain? New medical technologies to reduce patient waiting times and free up more hospital beds, for example, or safer, more efficient ways of dealing with the country’s waste. For all that I have said against the man in the past, I am sure that he could make significant contributions, but they would be both more, and less, than enough.

Richards would not be content with aiding one country; he would have to help them all. While this is an admirable goal, he would not be able to treat it on anything more than a scientific level. By refusing to even consider using his advances as leverage on the international bargaining table he would prove himself incapable of looking after the country’s political and economic interests. Equally, his understanding of technology would not be able to resolve all the issues that a Prime Minister, or government, has to deal with. For example, while it is possible that he might devise a way to hold more prisoners or even stop more crimes, there is no way that even Mr. Fantastic can stop people becoming criminals.

That is where most of these so-called ‘superheroes’ would fail as Prime Minister. Having dedicated their lives to fighting crime, stopping evil, saving the world, or otherwise trying to better things for all of humanity, they have become overspecialised. Few have the understanding necessary to run a country, and those who do, like the Black Panther, have their hands full running their own countries. The rest of them, Richards and the respective captains included, are not interested in becoming Presidents or Prime Ministers. Those of us empowered individuals that are interested get branded as ‘villains and despots with ambitions of world domination’, but I ask you, when faced with such a crisis, who else can you turn to?

I would not rule you unfairly. Taxes would be rationalised, the law courts reformed, and there would be a substantial increase in investment in the various armed forces. Police recruitment and crime prevention would also be a priority. Public works schemes on statues and defences would ensure new jobs and many of my own technological patents would improve both the health service and the utilities. Transport and all major industries would be revived and nationalised, and the monarchy as you know it would be abolished. You could have all this if you elect me as the new ruler of Britain, and as my subjects you will have the fear and respect of governments the world over. Vote for me and make Britain ‘great’ once more. Vote for Doom”*

*Excerpted from a speech given to the British general public by Doctor Victor Von Doom, monarch and dictator of Latveria.

VOTE FOR DOOM

© Nathan Davies 2001

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